At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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