And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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