Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
