so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
