I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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