Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
