I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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