you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
