I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
