i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
