Christians are straight up FREAKS
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
the liver wants what the liver wants
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
