Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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