wat bout pragnant strippers??
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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