If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
