Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
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