She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I did not marry a roomba.
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