I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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