I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
