I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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