phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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