I CAN MOONWALK!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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