If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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