Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
