Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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