one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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