If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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