It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
