It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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