Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
