Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
