Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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