Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
People in love make me want to vomit
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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