If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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