her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
