never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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