Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
