Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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