Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
