You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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