ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
