His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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