Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
