So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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