Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
