i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
