I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
