Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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