he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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