Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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