I want to make a zoo with you.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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