good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
