Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
