are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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