I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
