i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
