Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
